This is the part where I wish I could say I was totally kidding right here... but yes, as absurd as this sounds these are the things that would go through my head (sometimes still do) on the constant battle to attain that perfect body... and I know for a fact I'm not the only one... so don't judge babbayyy just love....
Let me bring you back to time not so long ago. It was Fall of 2008. Halloween was coming just around the corner and I had this epic idea to be a gladiator for Halloween. (Yes, I really just said Gladiator). And let me just say this out loud so I can rest in the humility of it all, (because I know you all were thinking it) but yes this would of course be one of those scandalous, skanky, "Gladiator" costumes that would bare almost it all. One, that if my father ever caught me wearing it, would kill me and make me die a very slow death for doing so. So of course I needed to have a bangin' bod, and I needed to have one STAT.
After hitting the gym (mind you, I hit it for like a week) and being dissatisfied because I wanted instantaneous results, I realized I needed some sort of catalyst in order to speed up the reaction so that I could reach my goal in just a short amount of time. That's when I heard about this "Detox" that was going around called "The Master Cleanse" (code name for colon cleanse... yep I said colon). Celebrities were doing it, my friends were doing it, and it was working like magic. So late one night after work I researched the guidelines and recipe and went off to the store to buy the ingredients.
I started "the cleanse" the next day and by about 2:00 pm I began to realize why it worked like magic. I was starving, so hungry that it hurt, and it had only been a couple of hours. It was no wonder I would drop pounds like it was hot if I was only drinking this dumb concoction as my only food source throughout the day. I'm not a licensed nutritionist, however, I can't really see any substantial nutritional value in a bottle of water mixed with cayenne pepper, maple syrup, and oh lets not forget the lemon juice! But hey, everyone was doing it.
So I carried the cleanse on for that day all the way through a very long and busy shift at the restaurant I worked at. At that point, I was burning a lot more calories than I had even consumed that day. Dangerous territory to be in, however, I "strengthened" myself with another master cleanse combo # nothing for dinner to end the night. I went to bed early, only to avoid the agony that was going on in my stomach.(It was clearly pissed at me for starving it.)
I woke up the next morning exhausted and without the slightest feeling of replenishment. I struggled to get out of my bed, and scrambled the last of my energy to stand up and that's when it hit. I saw completely black. I rubbed my eyes, thinking I had gotten up too quickly, and stumbled into the kitchen. I still couldn't see anything. It was like a scramble of black and white dots, kind of like when you don't turn on the right input on your television. I realized in that moment, I needed something to eat, and I needed it fast. My vision slightly returned, although very faintly. I grabbed whatever I could to just shove in my mouth. Then I felt my legs give in. I yelled for my roommates and then I hit the floor. Michelle came out to find me pitifully lying there on the floor in my bra and underwear. She yelled for Diana while simultaneously force feeding me a banana and a glass of water. Diana called the paramedics and they arrived in minutes. And boyyyy did they arrive in style. It was almost could have been a scene out of Magic Mike. These bodacious firemen strolled in to save the me, the damsel in distress.
(REALITY CHECK: I was in no way shape or form a damsel in distress. These men looked at me like I was crazy and most likely on drugs. Not one my finest of moments I tell you.)
What a shame to be a hot mess in that moment! I felt equally just as bad for salting up Diana and Michelle's game! I mean let's face it, the whole hot mess chick sweating profusely in the middle of the living room, looking like she came out of a scene from the Exorcist is not exactly the prime "so how did you guys meet" situation for anyone.
And I wonder why I was single at the time...
After having my roommates reassure them about 17,000 times that I was in fact not on drugs nor did I take any drugs within the last 72 hours, they carted me out of our apartment and we drove ambulance style to the hospital. At the hospital, they hooked up to all sorts of tubes and instruments. The doctor and nurses came in and scolded me repeatedly and told me that I was severely dehydrated. As it all sank in, I couldn't believe I really put my health into a lot of danger, on the premise of trying to look good in a gladiators suit for Halloween. I just kept thinking over and over...
WHAT A FREAKING IDIOT!
My family and dear friends rushed to the hospital to visit me. One even brought me IN&OUT to slap some sense into me. I delightfully indulged, not only because I was starving, but I was also trying to convince the entire hospital and my family that I did not have an eating disorder.
It turns out I had a soul disorder.
What I'm trying to explain here is that no matter how hard I work at trying to attain and master the "perfect" body, I realized that I would never be satisfied enough because my soul was left hungry and out of shape and worn.
The physical world places so many daily demands that seem almost unattainable at times, and yet we strive each day with everything we have to meet them; and yet we never fully come out on top or satisfied with our attempts.
We could always have done it faster, we could have always done more, no matter how hard we try the attempt is never enough.
Feeding your soul is different. Watching what you put into it like dieting can be very beneficial and give you lifelong results. If you feed it with the fruits and veggies of the Spirit and stimulate it with goodness and the passion of loving and healthy relationships, you will start to see results, and fast. And if we are going to get graphic here (it wouldn't be me, if it weren't graphic), getting your daily dosage of Scripture or positive motivation, and healthy community will help regulate your soul's metabolism, so that sometimes when you may inhale a little bit of junk into your life, it won't be stored as excess fat and baggage and can be metabolized more efficiently (I'm finding it very hard to have a filter in this analogy but for the sake of not compromising the message, I will try and contain myself.)
So now that I've taken you through the digestive track of the soul, do me a favor and next time you look into the mirror, or measure your self worth based upon principles of this physical world, look past the surface image. Rather than repairing and building what it is that is dissatisfying on the surface, take a deeper look into yourself and check out the shape of your soul. Get that into gear first and you'll often find a more satisfying image of yourself as a whole. Soon enough you'll realize, starting from the foundation and building outward will reap the most benefits in how you view yourself and how others view you.
As Martina McBride always says "Everybody knows that the sweetest thing you'll ever see, in the whole wide world, is a happy girl"
(That one was for you Diana).
DISCLAIMER: SCROLLING DOWN IS NOT FOR THOSE WITH A WEAK STOMACH
COLON CLEANSE
SOUL CLEANSE
I'll let you determine which aftermath you'd rather deal with :)
Love,
The Missing Lync
